Cow Talk
Down on the plains of West Texas
Plenty neighborin goin on,
All pulling together
To get the season’s work done.
And even the preacher
Turned out for the fun,
Ridin his cow pony
In the bright morning sun.
But the preacher had problems
None else had encountered;
Not a cow seemed to listen,
Despite all his efforts.
He’d try to head em, or hold em,
Or push em out on the flat,
But, nope, they’d refuse
To do any of that.
Sittin at breakfast
Early next mornin,
The preacher spoke up,
“Boys, I got me a problem…
Now I’ve worked cattle from childhood
Out in New Mexico,
But these West Texas critters
Have done gave me the throw.
“They’re the most rebellious of creatures
I ever did see.
Why not a one of em cares
To even listen to me.
As a matter of fact,
It’s come to my view,
That these onery critters
Kinda remind me of YOU!”
The boys round the table
All had a good chuckle,
But no useful insight
To help with his struggle.
Till Vivian, boss’s wife,
And ranch’s half owner,
Smiled politely and said,
“I’ll give you the answer!”
“Now preacher, we all know
You’re a sensitive feller
With a heart full of kindness,
Not much of a yeller.
And while we sure appreciate
All your heartfelt devotions,
And your looking out for these critters
And protecting their emotions…
“Still, it’s not your tenderness
That they be demanding,
But plain and simple instruction,
And clear understanding.
See, these West Texas cows
Have a dialect their own,
No English or Spanish,
Or any other jargon.
“And the problem you see
Isn’t THEIR attitude,
They’re simply unable
to understand YOU.
So, if you want to enlist
Their cooperation,
Ya best get yourself
Some new pronunciation.”
So the preacher started listening
Instead of doing all the talkin.
And it didn’t take long,
Hearing the other hands squawkin,
That he hit on the secret
To which Ms. Vivian was alludin,
So, he thought he’d give it a try
And look for improvement.
The preacher lifted his eyes,
Saying, “Lord I need help here,
You know I try not to lie
Or give offence to Your ear.
But these cows that You made
To dwell in West Texas
Are a whole different lot
And frightfully contentious.
“If I’m gonna make
Any difference for You
And get the job done
Like they’re expectin me to,
Then I fear I will need
To use words yet unsung.
Please, open my mouth
And give me new tongue.
“While I don’t wanna trouble You
Or make matters worse,
Lord, I’m afraid You’re gonna have
To teach me to curse.”
Then prompted by the Spirit,
The preacher moved forth
To speak in expressions
He’d never spoken before.
He sashayed his cow pony
Up to some cantankerous old cows,
Then, “Hellfire and Damnation,”
He hollered aloud.
And every cow on the range,
And the cowboys as well,
Stopped in their tracks
To see who’d given that yell.
The boss turned in his saddle
And raised his eyebrows,
“Did I just hear the preacher
Cursing at those old cows?”
“Hellfire and Damnation,”
The preacher hollered again,
And, by now, half the ranch
Was starin at him.
“You’ll be headin for judgement
In that Hadean realm,
If I don’t see those derrieres
A gettin in that cow pen!
And brimstone is all
You’ll find waiting for you,
If you’re any more trouble
By the time day is through!”
Every cow, calf, and yearling,
And the bulls young and old,
Trembled with fear
And did exactly as told.
Cause “hellfire” was something
Each cow understood.
And “damnation” they knew
Just couldn’t be good.
“Brimstone” was a word
They had heard once or twice
From a few angry cowboys,
So they knew it weren’t nice.
Struggling with “derrieres,”
They contextualized
And figured complying
Would likely be wise.
For never before had they
Heard such a sound
From that gentle old preacher
Who’d been hanging around.
But now he meant business,
As they plainly could see,
For he was speakin their language
As clear as could be.
Next Sunday at church
Filling up both front pews,
Sat every cowboy in the county
Who had heard the good news:
“There’s a new preacher in town
Who speaks our own lingo,
And he doesn’t mince words
When it comes to the Gospel.“
Now, tis said that little church
Underwent transformation
Why, even the kids
Have quit misbehavin.
And folks started coming
From all over town
To hear a word from the Lord
While He still could be found.
And while some think that ole preacher
Uncouth and ungracious,
With all of his talk
Of hellfire and damnation,
The cows and cowboys
Of West Texas will tell ya,
To a more compelling pulpiteer
They’ve never attested!
Copyright © 2022 Philip R. Stroud
All rights reserved